Social Skills

Ever had an awkward encounter? Misunderstood someone’s intention? Provided a response that didn’t make sense? Told a joke that didn’t land? Walked away from a conversation thinking “did I really just say that?”

Possibly the most complex aspect of communication is pragmatics, or what is most commonly referred to social skills. This applies to everyone, across the spectrum of neurotypes. Some of the basics that we tend to address for individuals who have a particularly difficult time engaging with others include initiating, maintaining joint attention, asking questions, commenting on responses, terminating the reaction. We target “appropriate” language to use. We discuss maintaining balance between talking and listening. We consider different social situations and communication partners and how we might make adjustments. We provide reminders to look at body language, facial expressions and listen for tone of voice to recognize if the speakers words match their intention and gauge their own interest in continuing to communicate with us. There are infinitely more ambiguous “rules” of communication that we make and break all the time and asking someone to memorize and implement them when it does not come naturally let alone feel comfortable or enjoyable is a tall order.

What I think we do not do nearly enough as a profession or a society is education the general population on ways that others might prefer to communicate, particularly the neurodivergent population.

Scripts: Some people interpret the world around them through “scripts” or learned phrases that they have either been explicitly taught or they’ve consistently heard. A child who is always told “It’s Lunchtime!” when their class is transitioning to lunch may be more apt to state “It’s lunchtime!” instead of “I’m hungry” or ask “is it time for lunch yet?” if they are feeling hungry in school. Additionally, their idea of a joyful interaction may be reciting familiar quotes from a favorite song, movie, or book rather than engaging in a question/answer about said favorites.

Restrictive interests: Washing machines, sprinkler systems, dinosaurs, war history. These are just a few of the topics some of my friends have been deeply passionate about. Just because it’s non traditional and maybe not your idea of a casual conversation topic, you just might learn something new! If you feel bored, uncomfortable or unable to contribute based on lack of knowledge, sit with that feeling for a second and find empathy that many people feel like this daily in standard small talk.

Explicit communication: Neurodiverse individuals may have a difficult time interpreting subtle cues and may need things explained directly. If someone tries to join in your conversation at an inappropriate moment, instead of boxing them out or waiting for them to “get the hint” it may be helpful to kindly say “I need to speak privately with this person right now, but I’m happy to come find you when we are finished.” Being dismissive can be hurtful, leaving the person not sure what they did wrong. Using direct words with a kind tone can avoid this miscommunication.

Never assume! These are just a few examples from personal experience communicating with neurodivergent individuals, but maybe none of the above points are applicable in a given situation. Have an open mind, be ready to take feedback from the person them self regarding how they’d best prefer to express, receive or socialize.